Hi, I’m Bre. I’m a severe preeclampsia survivor and two-time NICU mama navigating motherhood after pregnancy and birth trauma. I decided to create mothermade as a way to share my reflections on motherhood, home, and what gets made in between. 🤎
Preamble:
I wrote the following essay in the summer of 2025 when we first started trying for another baby after our pregnancy and birth trauma with our first daughter, Adeline. We ultimately did get pregnant, and lost that baby. This first essay is when I was in the two-week wait.
I cried the night we started trying for another baby. It felt scary and overwhelming and wonderful all at once. It felt like a finality even though it was a new beginning.
The truth is I’ve done so much work toward healing over the last couple of years since our pregnancy and birth trauma in 2023. I knew we were ready for another, and I thought I was “healed.”
But the truth also is… I’ll never be fully healed. I will always be on this journey toward healing. No matter how many therapy hours I’ve put in, or how proactive I’m being about my physical health heading into a potential new pregnancy.
I recognize that now, but the tears were completely unexpected that night. It’s like they came directly from my body and not my mind. It was like a full body release of emotion.
I talked to my therapist about it and we ultimately did some “parts” work. We realized my “scared” part was coming up strong. She asked if my scared part believes that I can handle hard things if they pop up during this pregnancy. I got emotional because of course I’ll make it through hard things. I feel like all I’ve been doing since our journey started in 2023 is “making it” through hard things. But, to be honest, I don’t want to have to make it through hard things.
I don’t want to be hospitalized or have complications in pregnancy.
I don’t want to miss out on another golden hour.
I don’t want to wait 24+ hours to hold my baby.
I don’t want to see my baby struggling to breathe on their own in the NICU.
I don’t want to go home without my baby.
But you know what? I would do it over and over again for Adeline. That’s how I know I would be able to handle any hard thing that’s thrown our way this time around.
My therapist and I kept talking and we realized my scared part’s fear is that we’ll either lose the baby…or even me. We talked through the fact that, to this scared part, the act of even trying for a baby is a direct threat to life.
Wow. A direct threat to life? It feels dramatic, but for me… it’s true. Any future pregnancy would be considered pretty high risk.
But it’s a risk I’m willing to take. I love Adeline so much, and I know my love would grow exponentially with a second. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my baby(ies?).
So to help me get through this week, I went on several walks, repeating the following mantra:
I am resilient
I am grateful for my body
I trust my body
I trust my journey
And what feels like almost every day this week, I’ve seen a white butterfly, which is recognized as a fresh start, a healing journey, transformation, new beginnings, and good luck.
I’m early in the two-week wait right now, so we’ll see what comes of this. But I hope I get to say our family is growing soon. 🤎
What to expect from mothermade.
Motherhood is already a beautiful, messy, wild adventure. So when you add pregnancy and birth trauma on top of it, there’s a lot to process. My hope for mothermade is to talk openly and honestly about not just the beautiful parts of motherhood, but the messy ones, too. I’ll talk healing, health, hardships, home and navigating mothering and family planning after trauma.