Hi, I’m Bre. I’m a severe preeclampsia survivor and NICU mama navigating motherhood after pregnancy and birth trauma. I decided to create Mothermade as a way to share my journey and connect with others who have walked similar paths.
I think this might sound crazy: sometimes I miss the NICU.
Don’t get me wrong; NICU days were long, tiring, and emotionally draining. My daily routine for 52 days looked something like this:
Wake at 6 a.m. and almost definitely take a shower because of postpartum night sweats (no one told me?!)
Pump
Quickly eat a pre-made breakfast and run out the door to be at the hospital for her first morning care time
Pump
Kangaroo care (aka skin-to-skin cuddles) for as long as possible
Grab lunch from the hospital cafeteria while she napped
Pump and maybe try breastfeeding if it was a good day
Kangaroo care for a few more hours
Pump
Wash pump parts
Switch “shifts” with my husband, who would come after work and stay as late as he possibly could with her for his own kangaroo care
Come home around 7pm and crash on the couch with the TV, eat dinner, pump, and take another shower to wash off the day
Pump all throughout the night… and repeat the next morning
While this was a typical day, not all days were like this. Of course, we had scares, we tested sleeping in the NICU with her, we had to make hard decisions and hear hard updates. But maybe worst of all was getting non-update updates. The “I don’t knows” and “we’ll just have to wait and see” updates. Those were torture.
I cried countless times and grieved what I thought my postpartum would look like. I panicked over every single phone call and obsessed over her MyChart notes after every nurse shift change.
I sobbed in her room at night when I would pump, knowing she should have been there with me. I was inconsolable at times, feeling overwhelmed by the weight of it all—and the unknown to come.
And yet, it’s true, sometimes I miss the NICU.
With the NICU came a fight and fierceness I didn’t know I had. And, most of all, it brought clarity. You don’t second-guess your priorities for the day. You don’t make plans you won’t keep. You know that all of your energy and emotional capacity needs to go toward fighting for your baby, day in and day out.
Because when you experience pregnancy and birth trauma, you enter fight or flight mode. And boy was I ready to fight.
Nothing else mattered. I wouldn’t respond to texts and calls right away. I didn’t do anything except stay with my baby and come home to rest. I didn’t give anything my attention that wasn’t deserving. And I didn’t feel guilty.
But the problem with fight or flight mode is we’re not meant to be in it forever. We eventually got to take our warrior girl home, after 7 long weeks, and I thought I would be forever changed.
I thought I would approach life with more intention and zest. I thought I wouldn’t be afraid of small things anymore. That I wouldn’t work long hours, doom scroll, or prioritize things that don’t matter.
But here we are, 23 months since she’s been home with us, and I’ve seen how I’ve slipped back into my regular, mind-numbing routine. Yes, I’ve grown and I’ve learned how to prioritize and take more and better care of my own health, but I still haven’t figured out how to get back that feeling of freedom.
How to not give my attention to things that don’t matter.
How to not get sucked back into the grind each week.
How to not strive for perfection.
And most of all, how to be present.
The saying goes that the days are long, but the years are short. I’m not sure I agree with that—our days go by in the blink of an eye. I grieve how quickly they go.
And I think that’s because I’m giving away all of my attention to things that don’t serve me. I’m not filling my cup with enough quality time with my gal, with enough reading and writing time, with enough aimless outdoor strolls.
I’m not sure how to get back to that fierce fighter version of me from our NICU days, but I’m so glad to be back on the journey to finding her.
What to expect from Mothermade.
Motherhood is already a beautiful, messy, wild adventure. So when you add pregnancy and birth trauma on top of it, there’s a lot to process. My hope for Mothermade is to talk openly and honestly about not just the beautiful parts of motherhood, but the messy ones, too. I’ll talk healing, health, hardships, and navigating mothering and family planning after trauma.